Smiles and a few chuckles.


I just got out of the Hokey Pokey Clinic, they really turned my life around.
Civil engineering is way better than rude engineering.

Strong like bull, smart like tractor.

I don’t have a short attention span, I just…..oh look, a squirrel!

Let’s eat grandma. Let’s eat, grandma. Punctuation saves lives!

Strong like bull, smart like tractor.

I don’t have a short attention span, I just…..oh look, a squirrel!

Let’s eat grandma. Let’s eat, grandma. Punctuation saves lives!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says: I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing “Happy Birthday”.

If your fiancee is an existentialist, should you give her a disengagement ring?

In case of rapture, this office will be empty. With the possible exception of the guy in accounting.

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Karaoke bars combine two of the nation’s greatest evils–people who shouldn’t drink with people who shouldn’t sing.

Morality is doing what is right no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told no matter what is right.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

Neurotics build castles in the air. Psychotics live in them, and Psychiatrists charge them rent.

Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, “Just who do you think you are?”

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

Sign In Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? It’s easier to run with your kilt up than your pants down!

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I grew up.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over and sure enough nobody was home.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking about suicide.” He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn’t met me yet.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

What’s the difference between ‘fat chance’ and ’slim chance’?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content

Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!

I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha.

Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, Other times I let her sleep.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Pride, commitment, teamwork–words we use to get you to work for free.

A procrastinator’s work is never done.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Beware of the toes you step on today. They could be attached to the ass you may have to kiss tomorrow.

There are 2 great secrets to success in life. The first is to not tell everything you know.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

“Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

My favorite mythical creature? The honest politician.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

A bargain: something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

A day without sunshine is like, night.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Always remember you’re unique just like everyone else.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with subatomic particles.

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a “do it yourself.”

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Equality!! If men and women were created equal, a judge in capitol crime cases would have to make sure that women were hung like men.

What do you call the children of couch potatoes? Tator Tots

I don’t understand how I got over the hill! — without ever being on top.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.

I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got!

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If you don’t change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.

I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is getting better.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

EARTH FIRST! — We’ll stripmine the other planets later.

When I was young, we used to go “skinny dipping”. Now I just “chunkydunk”!

How come we choose from just 2 people for President, and from 50 for a Ms. America?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press Ctrl Alt Delete and start all over?

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever

What’s the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way…

Why don’t aliens eat clowns. Because they taste funny.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : “Funny, I smell carrots too”.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? el-if-i-no

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says: “Man it’s hot in here!!!!” The other muffin exclaims, “Look a talking muffin!!!!”

I tried being a stand-up comic, but all they did was laugh at me!

Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Department of Redundancy Department.

Death to all fanatics!

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Everybody repeat after me…..”We are all individuals.”

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D’Etat!

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands….

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

Did you hear about the Suicidal twin that killed her sister by mistake!

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can’t.

TRAPEZOID: A device for catching zoids.

There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

I always wanted to be the last guy on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

A bank is a place that lends you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend; inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Deep down, I’m pretty superficial.

Instant gratification takes too long.

Have you ever noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance?

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year and a half.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you’ve given birth.

Football combines the two worst features of American life: violence and committee meetings.

If God meant us to be naked, he would have made our skin fit better.

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score?

What’s another word for thesaurus?

Some people are like Slinkies… Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “rings”: * The Engagement Ring * The Wedding Ring * The Suffe-Ring * The Endu-Ring

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.